Last time when my father passed away, i knew my mum was not dealing it well. Though she put on a good front, but she would just throw her temper whenever little things happened. Dealing with a situation where she had to continue to bring up 3 children (ok maybe only left me who just started my secondary education, while my other two siblings were already grown up), plus the stress coming from my relatives who expect her to work after being a housewife for 15 years at that period, and some ppl eyeing on the money left behind by my father's insurance, she was considered a wonder mum le.
That should be the hardest period of my teenage life, trying to be guai and tame so that i won't caused so much worry to my family. Yet i realised that whatever small mistakes i made, my mum and sis will get realli angry with me and my mum would scold me using all kinds of words u have nv heard b4.
I was sad, crying all the time, plus dealing witha fren in my class who did treat me like dirt or some disease, WENDY LEE (i still rmb how u threw my book on the floor), i feel that life was meaningless and i even tot of suicide. I was in the living room, while my mum n sis were in the bedroom, I could have easily open the door and jumped of within 5 min, yet i didn't. Cos i knew how irresponsible that would be. Cos I promised my father too much. For the most basic thing i promised my father would be to take care of my mum, plus after seeing the din created at my father's funeral, the more i thought to myself, no matter how mother scold me, I mustn't do anymore thing to make her even angry. i should be there to protect her. Just keep quiet and everything wil be ok, i thought.
Even till now, whenevver we had small or big quarrels, should it be my fault or their faults, i always keep quiet. Accomodation u might say. Always give in, no good u might agree. But the fact is, I did all these not because i am a coward, a mummy's gal who wants to please them. No, but i did all these cos i knew how much i owe them. Last time, ppl tell my bro and I about my mother's and my sister's bad stuff like how lazy they were (for my mother did not work and my sis took a long period to finally find a job that suited her), I have been very polite to smile off it and sometimes fight back, while my bro might actualli keep quiet. But please, nv criticise about the mother to the daughter, cos eventualli, she is their mother, the one who brought her up.
Ok, u might ask me, what has all this thing got to do with being fortunate. Seriously, don't u think i am already very fortunate, having mother who managed to continue her life within such a short period of time after her husband died, somemore with my father leaving behind not much money, yet bringing me up, letting me study, eat and wear what i want.
I may not have branded stuff in my secondary school, i may not have a father to see me thru graduation but i have a good mother and good siblings who buy me stuff that i will nv ask for for my birthday (expensive stuff), who bring me out for good food and giving me advice to prepare me for the working society..
I have so many things, that others with the same situation as me, might not have. Don't u think i am very fortunate and i should be content.
My last blog entry i mentioned abt having no money to survive thru this month before i got my pay rite? Guess what, yesterday my bro and my sis each gave me another $50 to tide me thru the week. Plus, the thing is i have nv mentioned it to them that i need money. I just kept quiet, planning to eat cheap for that last 3 days of the month. I was so touched. By rite, this month i wun get any more allowance from them.
I am so lucky i tell u.
back to the topic of "deserve more stuff for the effort i have put into my life, my family's and my friends' lives", I have been very nice and accomodating, My mum pissed me off, i angry la, but aft a while, i go say sorry to my mum, not cos i was the one at fault, but becos i done wrong for shouting at her. No respect! No manners! CW was telling me how pissed he was when he had a fight with his bro. Though he was angry, he still cannot resist to give his bro money cos that's his bro. Same as what i was trying to say. So, to all those ppl who wan to badmouth abt my family, don't do it in front of me, cos they will only get urself into trouble. I diam diam not i scare, but i being polite to ignore, the next time they try it again, i make sure they have no dignity. i been thru the most difficult time of my life n who's theer for me, i knew it tooo clearly.
Speaking of the effort i have put into my friends' lives, I have been realli very accomodating. My frens, don't be angry when u read this, and PLEASE DON"T BRING UP THIS TOPIC AGAIN WHEN U MEET ME NEXT TIME, i am just trying to voice out my views for all these years. (PLUS THIS MAY NOT MEAN U ARE THE ONE) By right hor, given my pattern last time rite, my frens angry with me, un fren me, i cry... and beg... that was in pri and sec sch, where i was craving for friendship. Of cos, eventualli i dun have to beg for them in sec sch cos i have ren yuan so ppl always come find me to joke and laugh, rite SY and MIC? But when i reach poly stage, i realised that for some things i dun like, i just keep quiet and the bad thing is i am not feeling good abt it. Yet i have to accomodate. Some time, there are realli things that make me very angry, some ppl whom i am not close to yet always give me stares and smirk, I dun like them yet i keep quiet. That's not me u noe. By rite, when i reaches that age, i could have easily scold, just ask any one of my fren, how crude i can be. SH and KT will nod approvingly. But i just keep quiet. For some not so close frens but somehow or another u had to be part of my life cos of other reasons, i may not like some things u do, yet i stil act as if i am ok with that. I am tired of that... Why i still keep quiet and treat u guys nice while i dun like u, cos my mother teaches me to be polite, i give u some respect. The worst thing would have to be putting in so much efforts, yet not getting back the type of frenship i expect, the kind where ppl treat me like true frens, the types of frens who dun do small actions behind my back, and dun stop competing with me. I met many since sec schs and i wan to say I WONT GIVE A DAMN NOW COS I AM MORE FORTUNATE THAN U PPL IN MANY WAYS, SO BE JEALOUS AND CONT UR BEHAVIOR BAH. I nv make rude remards tomyself, yet sometimes i get bad remarks from them back. Yes, i happy siao siao one rite, but i can tell u, those words u have said, remains in my heart for so long and it cut me into pieces man. Yes, that hurtful.
So I think i realli deserve alot for the efforts i put into my frens' lives. When i tot of my past rite, i realise i help ppl more than they help me. (Cos i am a more independent person and i have a "you se me wo mei you jian guo de" attidute.) And if u realli help me, i make sure i have already pay back by now. So now, being 19 approaching 20, i wan to say goodbye to my previous self, the always bottle things up in my heart "SALLY". Now, i have a choice, if i dun like, i dun like n i chose to walk away, i dun have to pretend to like u cos i will feel even more miserable for u n me.
Ok, i am not trying to claim credits for the things i done, but i just want to voice out on how i feel all these years, it has been bottling inside my heart for a long time and it's time for me to say what i wan to say in my blog.
But of cos to those nice frens i have, i am grateful and happy to know u, if u ever continue be my frens, i make sure i will share my happiness and success with u guys just as i promised my family.
sally
to end this blog entry, i came upon a very beautiful pic online n u shld see it..
this is what beauty means, see that happy and yet mysterious look in her eyes? And that smile is slightly like a smirk, and that beautiful background? Wow, i think this gal is realli pretty and not pretentious. And even me as a gal rite, i also wan to find out what she is thinking in her mind. hahaha...
pay day coming!
No comments:
Post a Comment